The Unending Quest

I’m taking the time today to actually write a post. I’ve been inactive for too long, and I really need to write more on this thing. I was thinking again the other day, and I noted that I’ve been saying the phrase “If I Was” far too much for comfort. It feels to me as though I’m falling through the cracks as a has-been, or worse, a ne’er-was. I feel as though I’m not achieving enough, or rather, my self isn’t good enough for me. I’ve been through this before, but life goes in cycles, so I’m back here again. I’m not sure what to do.

If I was someone who was more secure with himself, this might not be an issue. After the two breakups, however, I’m more of a reserved person in ways, and open in others. I can’t help but think that I’m not someone who is good, kind, caring, gentle, and humble. I can’t help but think that I’m never going to be good enough, never going to be strong enough, or hot enough, or nice enough, or smart enough. All these enoughs will, one day, kill me.

Speaking of enough, I’ve had enough. I’m not going through this just to put up with this bullshit forever. I’m just going to be me, and if that’s not good enough for the world, then (pardon my language) fuck them. I am going to just be me, and let the world go by the wayside. Maybe I’m not an achiever, or a winner, but I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my family, and I’ve got my mind. I’ll be ok.

Remember these? I wrote these at the end of 2006, hoping that I would complete a few. Here’s a breakdown of what I did and did not accomplish this year, and why. Just in case you were wondering, this post is more for me than for you, so sorry.

1. Get that six-pack I’ve been working on for the past 6 months. Didn’t accomplish this one, unfortunately. I tried, but life got in the way and I just stopped doing it. I’m so sorry that I didn’t keep it up, but there’s always this year.
2. Finish writing my book. I never even got started. I created my plot outline, had the story all ready to write, but I never got that cup of coffee and that good music going and wrote. Kinda sad, really, if you think about it. The plot outline is still hanging up. I wonder if I should just start writing and see what happens?
3. Read 50 books. Got to 35 or so, but never made this goal. Again, life got busy so I couldn’t exactly read as much as I had planned. Still, 35 is nothing to sneeze at. Hopefully I can make fifty this year.
4. Read 100 books. See above.
5. Get something published, even something small. Nothing here, either. If I couldn’t make time to write, I couldn’t get published either. Sad, really.
6. Take a roadtrip this summer. Nope, nowhere special. I stayed in town and did school work over the summer. I have a boring life, it seems.
7. Volunteer my time with a worthy secular organization (I’ve done enough church volunteer time to have a degree). I volunteered with my school for a good portion of time, and I also serve as the president of my Phi Theta Kappa chapter, so I’d say this one is accomplished.
8. Make 5 new friends. Done, done, done! More than five, actually. So I’m proud of myself.
9. Organize my living space for optimum productivity. Somewhat. My room went through five or six reorganizations. I suppose that’s a bad thing, but at least I have more organization than before.
10. Get a date. Good as done. Got two boyfriends, too, both of which were asses. I’m happy, what can I say?
11. Take a class in something I’ve never done before. Done, took Consumer Psychology last semester. Good fun, good teacher, good class.
12. Limit my television time to less than three hours a week. I failed this one miserably. I love my TV too much.

All in all, I got a few things done. I volunteered, got a date, made new friends, took a new class, read thirty-five books, and overall had a good time. Here’s to a good new year!

Sometimes, I feel so damn weak. I realized today that from others, I want them to work, but for myself, I want something for nothing, at least relationally. I’m so used to people loving my personality that I forgot that I need to continue working at who I am and who I want to be, so that I can become more of who I am and less of who I’m not. I feel so alive, yet so dead; My philosophy will be my downfall before it will change me for the better. Doing it yourself is so damn hard. I’m so damn weak.

As I said before, though, my philosophy is existential: I make my own destiny. Along those lines, I’m making a series of twelve resolutions, one for each month.

1. I will start asking the same of myself as I require from others.
2. I will break my bad habits.
3. I will go back to working out; not for others, but for myself.
4. I will be content with my life status, no matter what that status is.
5. I will learn about a new field or interest.
6. I will look at every person in a new light, and try to find something about them that is truly interesting.
7. I will try 15 new foods.
8. I will read at least ten books related to the upper society of America.
9. I will create a research paper on a topic I know nothing about for personal gain alone.
10. I will save one thousand dollars this year for a rainy day.
11. I will learn to cook five foreign dishes.
12. I will treat my significant other, should I have one, with the respect, love, and adoration that he deserves.

If I make my destiny, than creating this list will send me towards being a more rounded, caring individual, and less of the person I was becoming after my breakup. Already, the one habit that he got me started on, I’ve officially quit. I want to be better, for me. I want to be stronger.

I feel so goddamned weak.

Sometimes, I feel as though I don’t have the strength of mind to do what I really want to do. I mean, sure, I’ve gotten quite a few things that I wanted only because I had the strength of mind, but my finesse is getting stale. It’s like a warm cola or a bad date: stale and uninviting, yet it does the trick. I can force anything through that I damn well please, but that doesn’t mean anything if it’s not good. I can fake anything, this I know; I have had excellent teachers. I’m just wondering if faking it is making it anymore.

I know that I set trends with my friends. I know that people emulate me, and I am both flattered and scared at the mere idea that someone might copy me. I know, it’s silly, but it’s true. I’ve worked hard to bring out the real me, unadulterated and true, but when I see others taking my path, thinking that I blazed it for them or that my way is the best way, I am scared for those behind me. My path came with barbs and fights, struggles and uphill battles that I usually lost a few times before I won. My strength of mind took me through those things, and I partially believe that that strength of mind not only carried me through, but that those struggles made me the way I am, too. I fear for those behind me because I really don’t want a copy of me out there. Life is diverse because everyone has had a different past.

For instance, in my past, I have had to deal with pedophiles and sexual predators who wanted me. I’ve had to deal with coming out in a religious background. I’ve had to face off against people who hated me, who wanted to destroy me. I’ve been faced with the proposition of destroying someone else’s life, and I took it not knowing what I was doing. I’ve done some despicable things in life, and believe me, I do not want anyone following my path.

I know I set trends without my knowledge. I know that someone is always watching me, seeing how I do things. I’m not ok with that. I just hope that I have the finesse of mind to set things right before someone follows me off of a bridge.

Regardless of what may be true or false, this post is a rant on the human psyche and the human soul. None of these assertions or ideas are legitimate, logical, or even sane. Don’t take anything I say seriously.

I’ve recently gone through a breakup. I’m single again, and I’m not really all that fond of being totally and completely alone. Maybe you don’t know, or maybe you do, but I’m not part of what the world considers socially acceptable. I’m gay. To be single and gay in a conservative, republican, baptist county is to be utterly alone. Sure, I have a few gay friends, but I don’t see any of them nearly enough to count myself as not alone. I’m not intimately acquainted with any of them, and it gets to me sometimes. I’ll walk the aisles of my job and see people together and happy, and it makes me wonder if I’d be happier if I conformed to society.

I don’t really want to. I like being different. I like being me. I’m just not sure how to go about being me when it doesn’t feel like who I am is appreciated or desired. Like the title of the post says, what good is different, really, if difference isn’t really desired? Here in America, we advertise ourselves as the proponents of being different. We’re the melting pot, we say, and we have come from many to become one. Yet, in all reality, we are so different. We do not force segregation, but we still do segregate on our own. We form special interest clubs around race, orientation, class, et cetera. We want to be diverse, and yet with every waking moment we drift away from that ideal with our actions. If a black man acts with class and dignity, we classify them as white. If a gay man doesn’t always flame with feminine acts and have the stereotypical professions, he’s doubted. It’s sad.

I think the answer to my title question is simple: Difference is good because it sets us apart. Most people who fear diversity, who are ignorant of the world, tend to gravitate to people like them. The people who are different, however, tend to appreciate the differences between themselves and gravitate to those who are different. While I may be lonely now, I might just find myself a few friends who value me for who I am, rather than who they want me to be. That, in my opinion, is what good being different is.

I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately. It seems that no matter what I seem to do and no matter where I seem to go, I’ve been feeling down, depressed, and unwilling to do a single thing except what I absolutely must. Well, I gave some thought to the whole issue of Dionysus and the God of Wine, and I feel that his essence is the key to “getting my groove back.”

Dionysus is, simply, the god of frivolity. He is the god of wine, of parties, and of fun and games. He is the joker, the nutcase, the total nut that you love to invite to parties because of his entertainment value. It is in his spirit that my groove lies. See, I don’t think that Dionysus would much care for the social restrictions placed upon us by our parents and our civilizations. I think that he cares for what solution is simplest. In this case, it is throwing away what is stopping me from being who I want to be for Jeff, for myself, and for others.

In everything, Dionysus has his influence, and certainly, one can take his essence too far. His simplistic attitude towards life does not adequately handle dealing with society rather than outside of it, and therefore another one of the god’s essences would have to handle my professional and scholastic lives.

My groove, however, resides solely with Dionysus. I can’t groove with Zeus, Chronos, Athena, Aries, Aphrodite, or any of the other gods. Only Dionysus has that groove and that unending philosophy of hedonism that can temper the spirit of the human soul. With his traits, I feel as though I can truly turn the table, mount the record, and start playing.

As many of you might recall, I’m in a relationship. One that is simultaneously exhilarating and internally disturbing. I love him, yet I feel so distant from him at times. Today, he was at the house I was housesitting, and we were watching a few movies, most of them chick flicks (which I do enjoy watching, usually). The movie of the evening was Steel Magnolias, featuring Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, and numerous others I couldn’t begin to name. One line from the movie stuck in my brain more than the rest, prompting this post (spoiler alert):

I’m fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can’t! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don’t know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby’s life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him! Oh God, I wanna know why!

I really enjoyed the movie, and my boyfriend cried at that line, as did I. The words don’t do it justice, it’s something you must hear. However, I had to ask a question of myself: just when is the right time to say those three little words that every person in a relationship would die to hear? I love to say it, and my boyfriend won’t really reciprocate. I understand why not, however, so that doesn’t bother me. When is the best time to say the words, though? In the middle of a serious conversation? At the end of a bitter fight? In those silent moments that are not only inevitable but desirable? In the uncomfortable silences that happen randomly? When is the best time to say those words for the most impact?

I’m not really sure. I’d love to be sure. It’d make life easier. I know I love my boyfriend, and I know that I could fall in love with him with time. I’d just love to know when the right time to say “I love you” is. Anyone out there know?

Sometimes, I just feel like time passes way too quickly for my own good. Not too long ago, it seems, I wrote about how my hiatus was over. I was writing some things to post on here, and I was thinking of some really cool things to tell you guys about. That quickly fell by the wayside when my internet access went down the tubes.

I’m a 56k user, so my connection is dependent on a lot of factors, such as the usage of the telephone, noise in the line, how reliable the phone company is, et cetera. Well, the line running through our neighbor’s property apparently got a hole in it and the cable started to corrode. A corroded telephone wire adds a noise to the line, which makes internet of tolerable speed impossible. So, long story short, my internet hated me, and I simply focused on my studies. I should be back without further interruption, hopefully…

…unless life again gets in the way of good intentions, in which case I’ll try to tell you before it does.

I got this idea in my head, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it the other night. It’s morbid, I know, but bear with me. I finally decided to write a suicide letter. No, I do not intend to kill myself or harm myself in any way. I’m too happy to even think of it. The reason why I wanted to write it was to see just what I would have the courage to say if I knew that no one would ever face me again, that all of my communications would cease shortly after the signature. I’m still in the process of writing it and it’s shaping up to be a long letter to the world. Isn’t that what you’d expect of a writer, though?

I know, it seems silly to be thinking of something so bleak, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. It’s one way I clear my emotions, to bleed them out onto paper in odd ways. It seems to have worked for a great many writers, as well, so I know I’m not alone. It’s a fun proposition, let me tell you. There are things surfacing that I never realized that I had in me. Some deep-seated pains from months and years past, feelings of abandonment, resentment, hurt, and anger that I had stoically repressed for the “greater good.”

I think that these emotions were bottled up to spare me the embarrassment of being ruled by passion instead of by reason, the one thing that separates humanity from the rest of the animal world. It was good to bottle them then, and it is good to release them now. It raises the idea that bottling emotions is good, rather than evil, but I still deny that. Bottling up the emotional part of us for an indefinite period of time is hurtful to everyone around us, because what we put in the bottle is what we deprive the world of. Sometimes, however, this is good to bottle for a short period of time to spare others pain and hurt. It’s fascinating.

The entire idea is fascinating. When I’m done writing that letter, I’ll post it on here. Until then, well, trust that I’m still alive and writing.

As you may have noticed, over the past few months I have been away. I apologize for this, and I wish that it was not so. However, life often comes in the way of good writing, as it is, and I have been taking a much needed vacation from the things that ail me. Everything on the internet has fallen by the wayside, and my personal life came first. It was relaxing, to say the least, and it has left me with a ton of emotions and ideas which I will be sharing with you soon.

I have a philosophical post coming up soon for you all, one on love, as well as a personal update. I hope to hear from you all soon!