Sometimes, I feel as though I don’t have the strength of mind to do what I really want to do. I mean, sure, I’ve gotten quite a few things that I wanted only because I had the strength of mind, but my finesse is getting stale. It’s like a warm cola or a bad date: stale and uninviting, yet it does the trick. I can force anything through that I damn well please, but that doesn’t mean anything if it’s not good. I can fake anything, this I know; I have had excellent teachers. I’m just wondering if faking it is making it anymore.
I know that I set trends with my friends. I know that people emulate me, and I am both flattered and scared at the mere idea that someone might copy me. I know, it’s silly, but it’s true. I’ve worked hard to bring out the real me, unadulterated and true, but when I see others taking my path, thinking that I blazed it for them or that my way is the best way, I am scared for those behind me. My path came with barbs and fights, struggles and uphill battles that I usually lost a few times before I won. My strength of mind took me through those things, and I partially believe that that strength of mind not only carried me through, but that those struggles made me the way I am, too. I fear for those behind me because I really don’t want a copy of me out there. Life is diverse because everyone has had a different past.
For instance, in my past, I have had to deal with pedophiles and sexual predators who wanted me. I’ve had to deal with coming out in a religious background. I’ve had to face off against people who hated me, who wanted to destroy me. I’ve been faced with the proposition of destroying someone else’s life, and I took it not knowing what I was doing. I’ve done some despicable things in life, and believe me, I do not want anyone following my path.
I know I set trends without my knowledge. I know that someone is always watching me, seeing how I do things. I’m not ok with that. I just hope that I have the finesse of mind to set things right before someone follows me off of a bridge.
Strength of Mind (or, Setting Trends Without Really Trying)
6 11 2007Sometimes, I feel as though I don’t have the strength of mind to do what I really want to do. I mean, sure, I’ve gotten quite a few things that I wanted only because I had the strength of mind, but my finesse is getting stale. It’s like a warm cola or a bad date: stale and uninviting, yet it does the trick. I can force anything through that I damn well please, but that doesn’t mean anything if it’s not good. I can fake anything, this I know; I have had excellent teachers. I’m just wondering if faking it is making it anymore.
I know that I set trends with my friends. I know that people emulate me, and I am both flattered and scared at the mere idea that someone might copy me. I know, it’s silly, but it’s true. I’ve worked hard to bring out the real me, unadulterated and true, but when I see others taking my path, thinking that I blazed it for them or that my way is the best way, I am scared for those behind me. My path came with barbs and fights, struggles and uphill battles that I usually lost a few times before I won. My strength of mind took me through those things, and I partially believe that that strength of mind not only carried me through, but that those struggles made me the way I am, too. I fear for those behind me because I really don’t want a copy of me out there. Life is diverse because everyone has had a different past.
For instance, in my past, I have had to deal with pedophiles and sexual predators who wanted me. I’ve had to deal with coming out in a religious background. I’ve had to face off against people who hated me, who wanted to destroy me. I’ve been faced with the proposition of destroying someone else’s life, and I took it not knowing what I was doing. I’ve done some despicable things in life, and believe me, I do not want anyone following my path.
I know I set trends without my knowledge. I know that someone is always watching me, seeing how I do things. I’m not ok with that. I just hope that I have the finesse of mind to set things right before someone follows me off of a bridge.
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