So Damn Weak

January 7, 2008 in 2008 Resolutions, basic blog, life

Sometimes, I feel so damn weak. I realized today that from others, I want them to work, but for myself, I want something for nothing, at least relationally. I’m so used to people loving my personality that I forgot that I need to continue working at who I am and who I want to be, so that I can become more of who I am and less of who I’m not. I feel so alive, yet so dead; My philosophy will be my downfall before it will change me for the better. Doing it yourself is so damn hard. I’m so damn weak.

As I said before, though, my philosophy is existential: I make my own destiny. Along those lines, I’m making a series of twelve resolutions, one for each month.

1. I will start asking the same of myself as I require from others.
2. I will break my bad habits.
3. I will go back to working out; not for others, but for myself.
4. I will be content with my life status, no matter what that status is.
5. I will learn about a new field or interest.
6. I will look at every person in a new light, and try to find something about them that is truly interesting.
7. I will try 15 new foods.
8. I will read at least ten books related to the upper society of America.
9. I will create a research paper on a topic I know nothing about for personal gain alone.
10. I will save one thousand dollars this year for a rainy day.
11. I will learn to cook five foreign dishes.
12. I will treat my significant other, should I have one, with the respect, love, and adoration that he deserves.

If I make my destiny, than creating this list will send me towards being a more rounded, caring individual, and less of the person I was becoming after my breakup. Already, the one habit that he got me started on, I’ve officially quit. I want to be better, for me. I want to be stronger.

I feel so goddamned weak.